My version of Harrah's next email

[2Tone]

Here's how I'm guessing it might read

Dear Poker Players,

Hello from Harrah’s, the gaming monolith that owns half of the Las Vegas strip, including Caesars Palace, Paris, Ballys, and our crown jewel, the lovely Imperial Palace, as well a debt totaling $24 billion.

While poker is just a small portion of our now money-hemorrhaging operations, we haven’t forgotten about you. We proud to continue to offer such innovations as the $5 rake on a $3/$6 limit table.

But best-known event is of course the World Series of Poker. Back in ‘04, we picked it up for a song when the once legendary Binion dynasty self-destructed with a bizarre series of family feuds, tax evasion, and a murderous coke whore. We moved the whole thing to the Rio, where we have been accused of everything from stiffing dealers to forcing unlucky players to compete in a sauna-like outdoor tent, to screwing up the number of chips in play for any given event.

But our biggest success has been the massive lines required to register for certain events. We have found that overweight, degenerate poker players standing in line for hours buy 43% more watered down well drinks than a convention of orthodontists from Omaha.

This year, we took our sweet time in announcing our schedule. We know you’ve been looking to this event all year, and now, finally, the first tournament is rapidly approaching. So while we are yet to reveal any details on registration, you are welcome to keep checking every damn day until we do.

See you soon!

Fuck you very much –
Your friends at Harrah’s Entrainment.